Dear Food Delivery Startup,

Am I being extorted?
So. Many. Options.

Do I want Chinese? Ehhhhh, not really. What about Mediterranean? I guess that would be okay. Thai? I hear there is good Thai food here. But what would I get? Actually, come to think of it Chinese could be good. Oh! What about Mexican? Ehhh, no I had that already today. Will any of these not give me cardiac arrest?

You’re probably delicious, but you’re not what the body needs right now.
Oh, hey there beautiful.
List of websites that have hours of operation: food delivery startups, Massachusetts Department of Unemployment Insurance

“Hello?”

“Hi, I would like one Pesto Chicken pizza for delivery please.”

“Great! Where do you live?”

“<address in Duboce Triangle>”

“I’m sorry, but we don’t deliver to that area.”

By this point in the evening, I am becoming so distraught that you’ll see I can only express my true feelings through animated gifs and memes.

“Hi! Do you deliver to Duboce Triangle?”

“We sure do!”

For reasons unknown to science, I briefly turned into Ron Paul and my room turned into a fireworks display.

“Oh thank god! You have no idea the kind of ordeal I’ve been through tonight. Can I pay by credit card now?”

“Oh, I’m sorry sir, we don’t accept credit cards.”

“We do accept personal checks.”

“I…I think I might just have one.”

“But it has to be from the State of California.”

“Well, you could go to an ATM nearby.”

GrubHub’s embrace was not as warm as anticipated.
I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for companies like you.
I think I may have actually cried a little.
We’re going to ignore the fact that it turns out there was a Little Star location 5 minutes from my house…I had just moved and didn’t even consider googling to see if it was in walking distance.
If you squint really hard, I think you can actually see John’s car in the background delivering my pizza.
I mean…I was working on those very important pitch deck slides. You know, about the business things.
About as close to love at first sight as I think I’ll ever experience.

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Product @Square. Prior: built Canvas @occipital, co-founder @Fetchnotes, VP @Benzinga, and chief opinionator @michigandaily.

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